Nymphadora Tonks's Diary
by savvytruffle
Summary: TonksRemus! Tonks begins a diary and writes her thoughts in there. Odd things keep happening to her and she find herself wanting to be around a certain soft-brown-haired man with shabby robes. Er, v. bad with summaries. Just read it.
1. Bloody Cheek

**Title:** Nymphadora Tonks's Diary

**Rating: **R for swearing, mostly.

**Summary: **Ah, Tonks begins a diary and writes her thoughts in there. Strange things keep happening to her, and she's finding herself wanting to be with a certain soft-brown-haired man with shabby robes.

**Disclaimer: **All Harry Potter characters belong to J.K.Rowling, and the style of the writing belong to Helen Fielding

**Note: **This is a diary written in "Bridget Jones's Diary" style.

**Nymphadora**** Tonks's Diary**

**Chapter One**

June 4, 1995

_130lbs, hair colour Purple, no. of times changed hairstyle: countless, no. of times cursed self for being so clumsy: myriad (average), no. of times tripped over self 4 (v. bad), chocolate frogs units 5_

_2:30pm__, Own flat_

Cannot believe it. Have once again submitted to Shaklebolt's (bloody cheek) rubbish. Have agreed to go to an Aurors Party tonight at five. Why did I agree? Why am I so stupid? Why did I sit there like bloody idiot nodding head off in manner of Percy Weasley when he is around Fudge?

Was doing some paperwork in office when bloody Shaklebolt came out of nowhere. Suspect he apparated just to spite me, as had previously set charm on door to never let him in unless given specific instructions. Jumped five feet in air and managed to knock over the lamp, a whole stack of paperwork, and chocolate frogs, which went flying out the window the minute box spilled open. Then, as if nothing was wrong, Kingsley says pleasantly, "So, I'll see you at 7:00pm?"

"What?" I said, confused.

"The Aurors Party."

"Ah." I'd said, feeling pretty pleased that I was about to turn him down, even though he didn't actually ask me to go with him. I mean, rejecting men is part of the elastic-grip you're suppose to have on men, right? Also real reason do not want to go is because Snape will be there. Feel v. bad for poor man, but am v. scared of him. Actually not sure why Snape is there. Surely he would not submit himself to such flamboyant occasions such as this? Surely he'd prefer to talk to his cauldron, cursing new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher? But was told he would be. Probably was forced by Dumbledore. Odd fellow, Dumbledore, but v. nice and charming. Anyway, pasted huge smile on, and said, "I'm afraid not. I'm a bit busy, you see."

"Doing what?" He said, not a bit disappointed.

"Ah, you see," I lowered my voice a little, "work for the Order."

"Ah." He said. Hate how you seem to be the one dominating conversation, but then with one comment you're suddenly not in control. Bah.

"Yes." I said, quite pleased.

"Well," he began to leave, "I guess only you would work on the one weekend we're off." He paused, "Both in the Order and in the Ministry."

I cringed. Hate it when people seem know everything. As if on cue, Shaklebolt gets this bloody amused look on his face, saying in a sing-along voice, "Come on, let's hear it, Tonks. What's the real reason you aren't going." Apparently, he decided that was about to spill whole heart's secrets to him, and leaned one slim, rather in shape, actually, arse on the edge of my desk.

Was a bit distracted by arse. V. muscular… mm… why is it that he insists on wearing tight muggle pants under his robe, and why must he insist on taking off his robe in my presence? Outer robe, for if had been bathrobe/night robe would be rather perverse and straight forward of him.

Did not realize he was waiting, staring at self until heard someone clear their throat. "Well?"

"Oh," I managed to snap out of it. "Um… ah… well. You see…"

With the same bemused, knowing smile, he goes, "It's Snape, isn't it?"

Bloody cheek. Instead of voicing my thoughts, unfortunately, started nodding.

Merlin, how thick can one get? Anyhow, finally agreed to go, to "test" out my courage as an ex-Gryffindor, of course. Will be poised and not let him down my pants. Not that he suggested anything by it, of course. But one must always be prepared. Yes, yes. Must go get dressed now and show up at Sirius'. Actually, place is a bit gloomy for being the place to get prepared for this sort of event, isn't it? Ah well.

_2:50pm__, flat_

Shit. Just ripped dress. Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck. Bloody cheek who made this put anti-repairing charms on this so when this happens would have to go back to his store and pay him to get this bloody thing repaired. Ugh, useless.

Must go find some other number to wear now… oh god. Hope will not be late.

_3:35pm__, flat_

Ah, managed to shower, pull on old-haggard 100% stomach-shrinking underwear (Apparently supposed to make your tummy look flatter…) and quickly slip on dress. Is black number with little frilly things. Gah, just broke frilly thing.

Will calm self down a bit by drinking some butterbeer. Surely nothing harmful would result from this. No, no, am poised, career woman.

_3:45pm___

Blast. Where are those French imported butterbeer?

_3:50pm___

Ah, found them. Who put them under the bloody bed? Just a little sip now… surely people would show up at parties a bit later than expected, thus making self v. embarrassing-looking if actually showed up on time?

_4:10pm_

Blurry hell, poise… poise woman. Where blurry hell are shoes? Mm... butterbeer… so good. Mmm…. Surrrly can have bits more?

Mmmmmm….

_7:30pm_

GAAH! Cannot believe self! Got drunk off butterbeer _before_ party and now am late! Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck.

Am fantastic nitwit.

_7:40pm__, Old Grimmauld's Place_

Head rushing like mad. Why in the bloody hell did I drink butterbeer? Am fool. Am no longer poised woman. Am dim-witted hoodwinker (picked up odd vocabulary from Bagman, who still owes me 3 galleons of gold, by the way. Pay me back my arse.)

Anyway came charging in room like mad hippogriff, in process had wakened Sirius' Mum back from the dead, who went shrieking in manner of banshees, tipped over an antique vase, and ran into the door.

Smashed door open, hair mad, mad, mad (Was in such hurry did not transform). Sticking at odd angles, I shout between pants, "I --- AM --- HERE. SORRY --- AM --- LATE."

Room went considerably quiet with stunned looking Sirius, Shaklebolt, Bagman (rest of Ministry clan who joined the Order) and a man, light brown hair with golden eyes, did not recognize. Was really taunt looking. Poor thing. Mm… bet is v. sexy beneath those lose, shabby robes… mmm…. Oh right. Musn't think that.

Sirius started laughing like mad and said, "Ah. Dear Cousin, how nice of you to join us."

Was about to say something but it died in the back of my throat. All eyes were on self. Was v. intimidating. Cleared voice and said, "Yeah. Er, sorry I'm late. Shall we go?"

Sex-Beneath-Robes clears his voice and says, "Actually, you're not."

Confused, I said, "What?"

Shaklebolt mumbles something like, "There's no pre-party."

Even more confused. "What?"

Sirius grins and said, cheeky bloody cousin, "It's starts at 8. We told you it started at 7 because we knew you'd be late."

Hmph. Bloody cheeks. All of them.

Slightly annoyed, I snapped, "Who in the bloody hell thought up of _that_ idea?" Somewhat to self.

Sirius grins wider, gestures at Sex-Beneath-Robes, "Remus did. Old buddy, quite a gentleman, actually. Remus m'friend, I think your plan worked perfectly." He proceeded to give manly-man pat on Sex-Beneath-Robes' back.

Bloody bastard. Is no longer Sex Fiend Under Suspicious Robes.

"Gee, thanks," I hissed.

Shaklebolt started guffawing and threw him glare. Bloody males. Why did I agree to go?

**A/N: **Please review! Har har, more Tonks/Remus interaction at the actual party… next chapter. Sorry if this chappy's rather pointless and stupid.


	2. Twisted Boggart

**Disclaimer: **Same as before… style belongs to Helen Fielding, characters to J.K.Rowling.

**A/N:** I know that "butterbeer" is harmless to wizards/witches and are only intoxicating to house elves. But there is reason why Tonks gets drunk off of butterbeer. (No, no. She's not part house elf or anything.) And is not big secret/mystery or anything either.

**Chapter 2**

_8:00pm__, Aurors Party_

Right. Am here. Think is more than Aurors in the Ministry here. See Dumbledore, oh, and Sir Nicholas Flamel. Both in shocking contrasting colours. Dumbledore in purple dress robe with rather appalling yellow socks. Flamel is in yellow robe and socks that change into each colour of the rainbow. Odd. V. odd. Ah, his wife also here. Know about the sorcerer's stone, but really… rather young looking, compared to their actual ages.

Gaah! Just spotted Snape standing in the corner, arms folded tightly and glaring at possibly everyone present. Right. Shall steer other way.

Bloody place swarmed with people. Seem like entire wizarding populace is here. Will not fret, shall act like poised, controlled, professional woman, despite fact that already managed to crash into table and dumping entire plate on Dumbledore. Apologized frantically, of course.

Sigh. V. depressing, am perhaps only female here without date. Even ol' MacClair got herself a man, though is slightly boar-looking. Realize can just morph into beautiful creature, but, I mean, want man to love me for who I am, not what I look like.

Oh bullocks. Maybe can cheat a bit and make self look… thinner… and taller… slightly larger breasts… higher cheeks… bigger eyes, longer lashes? No, no. Am poised woman. Will let men come to me for who I am. Agh, but cannot even get a little thinner? Bah. Good thing have stomach-shrinking garment on.

Mm… is that butterbeer? No. Will not submit to alcoholic substances. Poise.

GAH!

_8:05pm_

Just ran into Mr. Robes (formerly Sex-In-Pants). Dumped entire contents of butterbeer on his grey-tinted cloak. Gah. Is possibly most patient man have ever met. Extremely frustrating though, would not even take my bloody apology.

_9:20pm__, Aurors Party still_

So lonely. Maybe instead of morphing into female who is epitome of beauty, will just transform into wicked, ugly ogre and be done with male population forever.

I know! Will have some butterbeer.

_9:43pm__, Arror Prtie, woopie!_

Mm… so good buttbeer... mm…

Oopsh… Prrefesor Snapey-Snape? Mm… quite shexy in black… look v. lonely, thhink will go say helo.

Blurry hell cannot see proply.

_10:40pm___

Ahh, slightly better. Someone spotted me (was smashed so had no idea who), and saw was beyond mad with drunkenness, so gave me anti-alcohol drink. Took a while for drink to take its effect. By the time came back to, stranger already gone. Caught Shaklebolt looking v. guilty. HA! Was him, wasn't it? V. appreciated, yes, yes. Agh. Bloody hell, lost all sense of poise, didn't I?

Grr…

Well at least Shaklebolt was rather nice about it. Have not spoken to me about me being smashed earlier yet. Maybe will ask me to dance?

How come people keep shooting me odd looks?

GAH!

_10:50pm_

Was bloody Mr. Robes, hovering over me.

"Er, I don't mean to alarm you, Miss Nymphadora, but there is something rather peculiar sticking about your mid area. Er, sorry. Just thought I should let you know." Then he turned around and walked off.

Hands went flying to stomach. Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck. Was large bulge sticking out of self. Was haggard-wear malfunctioning. Great. Have belly size of Russia. Am fuming. Who the fuck did he think he was to tell me that? Would rather had no one tell me so would not know about it, thus not worrying over catastrophic episode of typical self. Bloody bastard. I hate him. Then have nerve to simply _walk away_?

Great. Am now Ministry laughing stock, instead of Aurors laughing stock. Sooner or later will become national laughing stock. Bloody party stupid. Do not have moral strength to make self thinner now. Will go drink more butterbeer.

June 5, 1995

_135lbs (gah, aftermath of butterbeer), Hair colour Brown (just woke up, and anyway always assume natural colours when no one around), no. times changed hair style 0 (v.g), no. times tripped over self 2 (catastrophic considering have not gotten out of room yet)_

_10:00am_

Gah! Where am I? Do not recognize this place… is v. morbid…

Oh!

Right.

Grimmauld's place. Why am I here?

Hm… must have drank too much butterbeer. Cannot recall one bloody thing. Is too hard to think. Think will let all memories slide for now. Surely they'll come back sooner or later.

_10:30am___

Went downstairs, found Sirius whistling cheerfully to a tune by Nerk Twins, dusting kitchen with his wand in manner of house elf. Was v. entertaining, actually. Was good to see Sirius in good spirits. Anyway informed me Harry should be here soon, then whisked away with his wand.

Mm… must make some coffee.

_10:35am, kitchen_

Hmm… how do you work this ruddy thing?

_11:00am_

Apparently is code of some sort written on ancient stove. Tricky… very tricky.

_11:40am___

Hurrah! Am coffee goddess!

GAAAAAAAH!

_12:30pm__, random room_

Was bloody Remus Lupin. Turned around to go back in room and crashed into him. Coffee mug went flying out of hands and content splashed on his chest. Bare chest, actually. He jumped back and yelped in pain. Coffee was quite hot. Was v. embarrassing. Muttered sorry repeatedly. Am so fucking clumsy.

Quickly conjured a rag and started cleaning him up. Could not help but notice immense amount of scars he have on his upper body. Was rather surprised, actually. Did not seem the buff scar-receiving type.

Looked up and saw him grinning sheepishly. Did not expect that either.

"You seem to have a habit of spilling things on me, Miss Nymphadora," He said pleasantly, gazing at me with such intensity had to glance away.

"It's Tonks," I grumbled.

"Miss Tonks." He finished, still smiling.

"Just Tonks," I began to say but words died away.

Could not help but smile back. Could feel collar bone, his, not self's, jutting out from his thin physique. One hand still on his bare shoulder, the other holding ruddy rag, felt self being sucked inward. His lips grazed mine…

Then heard familiar voice.

"Am I interrupting something, Remus? Perhaps I shall leave while you busy yourself with a wanton schoolgirl and conveniently forget to give you this," Snape said slowly, corners of his lips curled into a malevolent, amused smile as he shook a bottle lightly. Bloody, fucking fuckwit.

Broke off gaze with Lupin and stalked off in rage. Refused to look at either one of them. Ran into edge of dining table and cursed loudly, but held head high and slammed door closed. How dare he! Me? Schoolgirl? Am poised woman! Am mad. Am beyond mad. Who the fuck does he think he is? Just because he's a little intimidating doesn't mean he can degrade me in manner of… of… Oh, so mad cannot find words. Hate Snape, bloody bastard. Hate Lupin, too. All fuckwits, fuckwits! Mostly hate self, though.

Sigh. Why does this always happen? Maybe Snape right, am wanton schoolgirl. Just kissed man more than 10 years senior. Could have been brother! Could have been COUSIN! Oh Merlin's Beard. Am twisted boggart. Am warped goblin. Am perverse blast-ended shrewt.

No, no. Poise, poise. Inner poise.

Oh fuck it. Will go eat some chocolate frogs.

**A/N: **Right. Um… I promise there will be more Tonks/Remus! They'll be working together (for the Order) so… yes.


	3. The Godfather and the Professor

**Disclaimer: **characters to J.K. Rowling, style to Helen Fielding…

**A small note**: I don't know why but this fic wouldn't turn up on the updates page… is rather odd. Don't know if it's just temporary thing or what. Er. Yes.

**Chapter 3**

June 6, 1995

_137lbs (gah, state of emergency now), hair colour Brown (too lazy to metamorph), no. of times tripped 9 (v.bad), chocolate frog units 9 (disastrous), butterbeer units 1 (argh)_

_8:00am__, flat_

Have to apparate over to Grimmauld's; is meeting.

_10:50am__, Grimmauld's Place_

Gah. Was late. Snape shot me murderous look. Poise, inner poise. Was v. tempted to turn self into v. beautiful, different looking woman, but then would be as if letting him know the other day's encounter me effected me quite a bit. Certainly do not want to give him that satisfaction. Am poised woman.

Bloody meeting lasted more than 2 hours. Was not much to say, though we're more prepared this time than… before, we still do not know a lot. Deatheater's movements have been detected though around Sussex area. Refused to look at Lupin throughout whole meeting, but felt own eyes kept straying to his direction. Mentally slapped self, of course. Mad-Eye Moody kept pivoting his bloody eye in my direction. Quite unnerving, really. Kept popping his eye out of his socket and meticulously extract a piece of hair on it, then flinging it in my direction. Gah. Has anyone told him that it's completely disgusting? Anyway said nothing as am afraid Moody might hex me as reflex.

Sirius, poor cousin, sat during entire meeting without saying a thing, unsmiling. Quite unlike him. Usually is him to make meeting a bit lighthearted. Dumbledore was about to wrap up the meeting when suddenly Sirius piped up.

"What about Harry?" He said.

Dumbledore turned around from his chair to face him, "What about him, Sirius?"

"Damn it, Dumbledore. That poor boy has not had any real contact, have not received any real information! Been trapped in those muggles' house. Shouldn't we _tell_ him... _something_?"

"Watch your language, Black," Professor McGonagall and Molly Weasley both snapped sternly.

"Excuse me, _Professor_, I forgot I was still in Hogwarts as a first year," Sirius spat sarcastically at Professor McGonagall.

"Sirius!" Lupin raised his voice warningly. Was first time he spoke during meeting, too. Tension in room was getting quite high. Was getting a bit uncomfortable.

However situation was dire, instead of sitting down as had imagined, Sirius jumped up and exploded, "What, Remus, WHAT?! I THINK HARRY DESERVES TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. WHY CAN'T I TELL HIM? HE IS MY GODSON. I AM HIS FATHER'S BEST FRIEN-"

"SIRIUS! _Sit down!_" Lupin hissed.

"What, or you'll do what, Moony, wave your wand at my face?" Sirius exclaimed, sound v. bitter. Getting really strange now. Never seen the two of them like this.

"He is not James, Sirius! Harry's only 15!" Lupin shouted, face v. shaken.

Suddenly room went all dark. Dumbledore rose from his seat and said in a v. scary tone, "That'll be enough, Remus. Sirius, calm down."

Sirius and Remus looked at each other, holding gaze, before each sitting down. Room went all light again. Dumbledore sighed. Poor man looks v. concerned and suddenly v. old.

"It is as much to my desire, as it is to yours, Sirius, to tell Harry everything," Dumbledore stated. "But please remember that while Harry has endured more than any other wizard have endured, he is merely a boy. There will come a time when he will be told everything, but until then, let us only tell what we must." Sighed again, Dumbledore, not self, although think everyone in room took collective sigh when Sirius did not say anything, who sat there shooting daggers.

People took this as dismissal and many left, trudging out, trying a little too hard to not look at Sirius or Remus. Molly Weasley was last to leave (besides self, that is) and gave Sirius a stern look. Remus and Sirius remained in their seats, not looking at each other.

"Sirius?" I asked, bit hesitantly.

"What, Tonks," Sirius said, more a statement than a question. Was quite alarmed at the flatness of tone.

"Well… um… if you want, I could always disguise myself and… lurk around Privet Drive..." I suggested. Hate seeing people being depressive.

Sirius' head shot up and flashes famous Black-Beam, "Would you?"

"Ah, of course. Have to speak to Dumbledore about this of cours-"

"Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. Let's go ask him now. Maybe I can tag along as Snuffles!" He began excitedly. Poor lad, must be hard on the mind to be cooped up in this pig sty.

Suddenly Remus speaks, "I do not think it'll be a good idea for you to go, Sirius. I'm sure Dumbledore will say the same thing."

Sirius, without glancing at Remus, said to me, "Dear Cousin, please inform to Mr. Lupin that if he would like to meddle with other people's business, namely mine, please do it with curtsey."

Sat there with mouth agape. What in the ruddy hell..?

Turned and saw Remus had same reaction, though somewhat better composed. Before either of us could say anything Sirius continued, "And please tell him if he would like to inform me of anything from now on he can speak through you, Cousin dearest."

Was about to open mouth when Sirius interrupted again, saying, "And please be kind enough to tell him from now on he is to refer to me as The Godfather, or otherwise I shall not acknowledge his presence, thank you."

"Sirius, what are you talking about?" Remus asked. Sirius pretended not to hear.

Was silence in room for several minutes. Was goggling at Sirius, trying to send him subliminal messages asking what was happening. Apparently did not work as he said nothing and had blank expression on, facing Remus and me.

"If you may, Miss Nymphadora, inform The _Godfather_ that I will be taking no part in this silly game and instead if he wants to talk to me, he will call me _Professor_ and address me through you." Lupin said finally, then promptly walked out of the room. 

Did not know what to say. Sirius left, too, muttering about "moody werewolves", etc.

So now Remus and Sirius not speaking to each other. Oh dear.

June 10, 1995

_130lbs (hurrah!), hair colour Green, no. of times tripped over self 2 (v.g.), chocolate frog units 1 (v.g.), butterbeer units 0 (perfect)_

_2:30pm_

Oh dear. Sirius and Remus still not on speaking terms. Kept using me as messenger.

Sirius would say, "Cousin, please tell _Professor_ that his constant tapping is buggering the hell out of me."

Before could convey message Remus pipes up, "Miss Nymphadora, please be kind as to tell _The Godfather_ that I find his constant squabbling extremely unbearable and tell him that he should shut his gob before I hex him."

Was about to open mouth when Sirius began heatedly, "Tonks, tell that miserable bat of a _Professor _to pipe down before I let loose his secrets."

"Tell that lousy, obsolete dingbat who calls himself _The Godfather_ that I have a fair load of his secrets that I would gladly spread about."

They'd stare at each other, scowling, then get up and walk out of the room, leaving me standing there, not having said a word. Really acting like old couples, except know is all v. brotherly platonic relationship. Mm… hope Remus not gay. No, no. Do not care for Remus' sexual preference.

Oh sod it. Have not recovered from barechest Remus and kiss he gave other day.

June 14, 1995

_134lbs (bloody thing), hair colour Green, no. of times tripped over self 5 (v.g), no. of times sat in room with Sirius and Remus shouting at me to convey message to the other when in reality is actually talking to one another: too many to count, no. of times contemplated hexing both for their childish behavior 6 (v.g) _

_9:00pm_

And it goes on and on. Is v. strange. Can actually write book based on insults they fire at one another, actually. Rather appalled at Sirius' language, however.

June 16, 1995

_131 (oh no, is going up again), hair colour Pink, no. of times tripped over self 9 (gah!!), chocolate frogs units 0 (v.g)_

_5:00pm___

Am now a middle-man of sorts, though not really, as 1) am not man 2) have not actually exchanged a single message between the two of them.

Wonder when is this rubbish going to stop?

Also attempted to contact Dumbledore about seeing Harry thing, but could not reach. Bloody floo powder kept going up nostrils. So wrote him owl, hopefully will answer back quickly. Sirius ready to bloody strangle me.

**A/N: **Mmm… I know. Need more Tonks/Remus interaction. Chapters are getting longer than I have expected… er, sorry! Anyway please review! Next chapter = Remus/Tonks goodness. _Really_! … heh heh nervous laugh REVIEW PLEASE!


	4. Incendio to the Heart

**Disclaimer: **Do not own anything, owe J.K.Rowling to characters, Helen Fielding to Bridget Jones speech

**Chapter 4**

June 19, 1995

_129lbs (yes!), hair colour Black, no. of times stumbled 13 (devastating), no. of times ran into door 3 (catastrophic), no. of times coaxed self not to transform 33 (v.bad), chocolate frog units 9 (bugger, understandable given situation) _

_11:30am_

Have sudden realization, what if am male and do not know it since am metamorphmagus? Surely this cannot be possible, since a) Mum never told me anything of this, b) have never read anything about it in books, and c) always assume natural form when am totally relaxed… and seen self totally relaxed… which is quite… unrelaxing…

Great hoofs of hippogriffs! What if am man?!

_11:35am___

Cannot possibly be man, can I?

_11:40am_

Really need to consult someone with this. Argh, no one bloody home except for Sirius. He would unquestionably reassure that am indeed a man as he quite enjoys messing with my mind.

Also not too sure if Sirius is in right state of mind, was babbling about knocking some sense into Dumbledore earlier on at breakfast.

Gah. Am so horrid. Here I am, worrying about own gender when Harry's life and thus entire wizarding (and muggle) race is about to be obliviated by evil malign tyrant (alias You-Know-Who)

_11:45am___

Oh god, oh god. This really bothering me. Am not man. Am poised woman. Am poised woman. Am poised man. Am poised –Merlin's Beard, just called self poised man.

Surely is inner-self sending subliminal messages? Perhaps have (self?) seeing powers as well as metamorphing ability? Gaah. Truly flattering self.

_11:50am___

Am not man. Am not man.

_11:52am___

Not. Not. Nope.

_11:53am___

Nope.

_11:55am_

Still not.

_11:56am_

Oh my god.

Am man.

_11:57am_

Cannot take this anymore. Gaahh. Am braindead. Will go eat chocolate frogs. Surely inner-self will reveal true gender while busy self with task of eating chocolate?

Ah yes, good plan.

_12:00pm___

Why is nobody bloody here?

_12:30pm_

Cannot take this anymore. Will go downstairs to look for some butterbeer. Perhaps will ease pain of discovering true self of being man. Wonder if others are aware?

_12:55pm_

Could only find a little bit. Mmm…

GAH!

DO NOT WANT TO BE MAN!

Wonder if should… should… attempt to grow a... oh god… wand? Not wooden wand. Er, flesh wand. Oh god cannot speak of this anymore. Also too terrified of results if actually did… oh god oh god.

Doorbell rang. Wonder who is it?

Maybe Remmy! Ugh… have gone mad. Must control speech of odd self. Remmy? Bah.

Sigh.

Not man…

_1:04pm__, downstairs_

Gah. Was actually Snape, standing all evil and malevolent in corner that mistook him for Deatheater (rather ironical, really, seeing as he is one, or was), creature of dark, etc, and accidentally set 'incendio' spell toward his direction and his robe sleeve roared with fire. Was quickly extinguished by himself, of course, and was so scared said nothing until he started screaming.

"WELL? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, GIRL!"

Heard door open and close but was too scared to call for help. Really thought Snape would hex me until dropped dead on spot right there.

"Gah! Professor Snape, I'm so sorry, Sir. I didn't see –I didn't know it was you!" I stuttered. Feared him so much started calling him "Professor" and 'Sir."

"You are possibly the clumsiest wizard ever to walk upon this earth, hands down," Snape hissed coarsely, rubbing his arm where had accidentally set his robe on fire.

What's that? Hands down? Surely is not physical?

And did in fact notice rather subtle hint that he too thought am man, notice "wizard" not "witch".

"I-" I began to say.

"What is the problem here, Severus?" A calm voice resonated. Was divine intervention, was absolute miracle! Was Remus. Huge sigh of relief. Will live to know true gender.

"Little miss Tart here had just decided to roast my limb off," he narrowed his eyes.

"Now, now," Remus said, "Just a little misunderstanding. Now if you don't mind, I must talk to Miss Nymphadora about a mission Professor Dumbledore has assigned us."

Snape stood there struggling for words, gave me final glare then hurled a bottle at Remus before striding out.

Gawked at Remus for a few seconds before saying, "Thanks."

"Ah, not a problem." He began to move toward the staircase.

"Wait!" I cried, not sure why had done that.

"Yes, Miss Nymphadora?"

"It's Tonks."

"Ah, I apologize. Miss Tonks."

"No. Just _Tonks__!_" How many times must correct this man? Oh god, oh god. Maybe is mocking me? He knows that am man and calls me "miss" deliberately to 1) make me feel better or 2) make me feel like completely idiot?

He smiled, "Anyway. Yes?"

"You said something about a mission?"

"Ah, yes. Give me a minute here. I'm afraid I got rather sooty and filthy from my previous work today. I'll meet you down here in a little while, excuse me." Did notice that his robes were torn at the shoulders…

Hmm… must not picture Remus taking shower.

Bad Tonks. Bad. V. bad. Naughty Tonks.

_1:10pm___

Maybe can talk to Remus about current dilemma? Surely he would understand?

_1:15pm___

Why is he not done yet?

_1:20pm_

Will finish bottle of butterbeer while waiting.

_1:40pm_

What's bloody taking him so long?

Maybe is man thing to take long showers.

_2:05pm_

Gaaah. Do not want to be man.

Cannot cope. Will go see if Remus needs his robes repaired while he takes shower.

_2:07pm___

No one answering door. Is slightly ajar… well, actually did 'alohamora', but was accident! Really!

Okay am terrible liar.

_2:08pm_

Still standing outside Lupin's door. Wonder if should knock? Yes, would be right thing to do.

_2:10pm_

Sod it. Am going in.

_2:13pm_

Hmm… everything not as orderly as previously imagined. Clothes strewn all over floor. Actually more like rags… mmm, note to self: buy Lupin some socks and trousers for Christmas.

Hey! Is bottle thingie again. Wonder what it is?

No, no. Musn't snoop around. Am here for business. Will sit down on bed and not look at anything but the door.

_2:15pm_

Is rather long shower…

_2:17pm_

Wonder what's going on in there?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_4:00pm___

Was bloody Lupin, suddenly hovering over self. Was so startled fired another 'incendio' spell at him. Hit him squarely on bare chest (seem to have habit of doing things to his chest), as had just stepped out of shower. Gah. Snape right. Am stupidest wizard/witch ever graced upon… upon… universe.

Anyway, saw was Remus, who cursed in about 9 languages as he extinguished flame. Remus stood there, standing with one hand protectively covering chest, incredulous look on face. Oh god. Was all own fault. Had mental breakdown, then. In odd blather told him about suspecting self of being man, Snape's venom, how bloody clumsy am all the time. Half expected him to 'incendio' me right out his door for blasting fire on his _chest_ while in _his_ room without permission. Realized truly great man Remus was.

Of course while rambling, 'accio'ed bandages, medicine, etc. Forced him to sit down on bed and kneeled down in front of him, for medical reasons, not… ugh. Anyway. Was applying some medicine for second-degree-burn, apologizing, nearly in tears, when he gently tilted head up, bent down, and kissed me. Felt lips moving against me before actually hearing him say, "Nymphadora?" More snogging, and nearly ate each other's noses.

"Tonks," I mumbled clumsily, "It's Tonks." He murmured something could not tell as was greatly distracted by pressure of lips. "Mmmm….Yes?" I said between gasps. Seemed as if took him forever to answer.

Felt the corners of his lips curl up slightly as he pulled me closer with a small kiss, "You're not a man."

Hurrah!

**A/N:** Is hard to describe Tonks/Remus scenes very… hmm... eloquently as I'm using Bridget-esque dialogue. Har har, you can let your own mind envision… things… hehe. Anyways, if any of you have any suggestions as what should happen next, please, by all means send your ideas forth! Either leave a review or email me savvytrufflehotmail.com

THANK YOU ALL REVIEWERS! Read and loved all your reviews. Really keeps me going… -cough cough, hint hint-

=] Review please!


	5. A Twist of Fate

**A/N: **Realized have made mistake with the year... it's supposed to be the year 1995, not 1996.

July 20, 1995

_125lbs (is all aftermath of lovely shag), hair colour Brown, hair style Wild Post-Shag Twist, no. of times overjoiced at sight of naked Remus under covers 9 (must calm as is quite shallow of self to be studying exposed figure when vulnerable in sleep), chocolate frog units 0 (hurrah!)_

_8:00am__, Own Flat_

Hurrah! Am no longer tragic spinster! The wilderness days are over. Am now official girlfriend of Mr. Lupin for 4 weeks! Actually, no. Nobody really knows except for the two of us. Actually, bit scared to tell Sirius or mum. Not sure how she'd react to my wild shags with man 10 years my senior. Mm… surely will not have to deal with this until… until get married.

No, no. Must not fantasize.

Oooh, but is hard. V. hard when Remus is here, tucked in and all, light brown forelocks casting shadows over his closed eyes… Sigh. Think will continue staring at him.

Mm, he twitched again. Apparently is v. twitchy when sleeping. Wonder what he's dreaming about?

Surely not our marriage? Ahem. No, must not fantasize. Oh! Twitched again. Eyelids flustered a bit, too.

Wonder how Remus would make as father. To children, that is, not self, or would be twisted and deranged, indeed. Mmm…

GAAAAAAAAAH!

_8:30am__, Kitchen_

Was bloody Lupin, bolting up on bed, shouting tiredly, "'PHADORA, WILL – YOU – STOP – BLOODY – STARING – AT – ME – WHEN – I'M – TRYING – TO – SLEEP." Then he plops back on the bed and promptly falls back asleep.

Hmph, heavy sleeper, that one.

Miserable old bat.

_8:40am__, Kitchen_

Oh, but a lovable old bat. Realized was own fault. Shall stop bothering him when he needs sleep. Have noticed that lately looking v. taunt. Remus, that is.

I know! Will make Lupin some breakfast. Marmalade toast and eggs and... pancakes! Yes, fantastic!

_8:50am_

Mm… apparently am out of milk.

_8:55am_

Surely can just add a bit of water. Yes.

_9:30am_

Hurrah! Am kitchen goddess! Divine Nymph (har har, pun) of Fancy Breakfasts.

_11:00am, Ministry Office_

Hmph. Apparently eggs did not go well as planned. Remus came in kitchen with sheepish smile and apologized for screaming at me when stared at him in manner of Sirius when he sees a veela earlier on. Sigh! Sat him down and told him cooked him breakfast. There started to go wrong. Instead of looking pleased, Remus had look of alarm on face.

"What's wrong?" I said suspiciously.

"What? Oh, nothing, nothing," he muttered, trying to sound nonchalant. "It's very nice of you to make breakfast, Tonks." He grinned –genuinely- as he spoke my name. Was rare when he used "Tonks" instead of dreaded "Nymphadora". He kisses my nose and grabs a marmalade toast, some eggs, and bacon. Before could say "alohamora" he choked and quickly reached for coffee mug. Except, forgot had placed vegetable oil in coffee mug when could not find any other container. And when suddenly remembered, was too late. Remus had already swallowed a gulp full of vegetable oil. More gagging, ran around kitchen looking for various assortments of medicine. Was not really sure what to do. Perform a quick spell to make the oil in his stomach disappear? But that might be dangerous as could have taken out entire stomach.

Anyway Remus threw up after that, which made both me and him late for work, and notably flustered. Gah! Cannot do anything. Am useless frumpy old witch.

_1:00__, Office_

Just received owl. Was Lupin telling me he was OK. Was v. sweet, actually. Told me not to worry. Also told me would be another Meeting tonight. Mmm… love having boyfriend. Lov- Ok, really like Lupin….

Despite his v. alarming manner of folding up boxers before going to sleep, and the way he likes to –er- well, nevermind.

Sigh…

Anyway, am going to write owl back to Lupin.

_1:30pm__, Office_

Another owl! Maybe is Remus! Though, that was rather fast.

_1:40pm___

Oh. Right. Was Sirius:

> > _My dearest cousin Nymphadora,_
>> 
>> _I write to you in such an earnesty and urgency… Oh bloody hell don't even know if 'earnesty' is a word. In case you were wondering I was attempting the diplomatic language of Mr. Remus Lupin. Actually, I'm not sure how he manages to be "loquacious' and 'laconic' at the same time._

Here paused and found self smiling. Would not be surprised if he 'borrowed' those words from someone else who was describing Remus. Felt sudden surge of pride.

> > _Okay, I admit it. I know you're probably sitting there smiling idiotically. Okay, so it was Hermoine –one of Harry's friends- who actually used those words, but really, I was about to use the same words myself! _
>> 
>> _Anyway, I'm writing because… I'm just… it's gets rather lonely here in this miserable old dung nest. I wish my name's cleared already so I can fight, you know? Not sitting here, in this.. this… this hellhole listening to my stupid ogre of a mother bawling and cursing me and my friends and you and your mother. Jesus Christ I think I'm going to become barny if I'm here any longer. I feel rather… dead in here, you know? THAT STUPID BITCH I WILL PERMANENTLY REMOVE HER FROM THIS GALAXY AND THE NEXT IF SHE'S NOT GOING TO SHUT UP THIS INSTANT._

Har. Shall write back saying have always thought he was a bit on the batty side.

_1:43pm_

Although was a bit risky of him to just… send me an owl with details such as this when am working at Ministry?

Oh god. Just re-read whole thing.

He's not OK, is he?

_1:45pm___

Oh god, oh god. Feeling really guilty and bad now. Poor Sirius, will make sure that from now on shall visit him 7 days a week. OK -5 days a week, at least. Must be really depressing. In fact, think shall leave work early today to cheer him up a bit. He is, after all, my only family –except for mum and dad, who became a bit loony over the years- who isn't fixed on cursing me to v. firey pits deep down yonder. Yes, yes.

OK. Realize that wasn't the nicest thing to say about parents. Love them and everything but mum is really odd.

_1:47pm_

Wish Sirius would find better bird, though. Finally gotten good look at bird, is bloody tropical… _canary_ or something of that sort. Nearly bit fingers off. Think will have little chat with Sirius and proper owling etiquette when go visit him later.

_2:30pm__, Old Grimmauld's Place_

Bloody curtain v. stubborn and refuse to close. Can't Dumbledore do something about her? I mean, he's on the chocolate frog cards, isn't he?

_2:40pm_

Ah. Apparently was not only person Sirius owled. Crossed dark, gloomy hallway into living room and found 4 people sitting, looking at each other incredulously.

"Mum?" I said, voice two notches higher than usual, "What are you doing here, Mum?"

"Darling! How are you!" she projected, "Well, what do you expect? Sirius wrote to me broken-heartedly… well, actually, it was rather odd, some sort of ostrich showed up at our doorsteps… the neighbours were really quite disturbed! But anyway, and I thought perhaps he needed a bit of family company! Like an reunion, that would be nifty, wouldn't you think?"

Before could speak, was interrupted by Moody.

"He sent some loony parrot after you, too?" Growled Moody.

"Er…" I said, pausing while looking around, "No, a canary."

Moody gave a low, dry laugh, which eventually turned into cough.

"Full of ideas, that one, Black," Professor McGonagall chipped in, voice dripping with sarcasm. Oh dear, oh dear. Things not going too well, are they?

Hmm… could see why _I_ would come seeing am, after all, cousin; but why is Moody and McGonagall here? Not to mention Mrs. Weasley. Thought she despised Sirius?

"Er, well, where is Sirius?" I said, bit hesitantly.

"Right here, cousin!" rang a cheerful voice. Was Sirius waltzing in, wand in hand with several mugs hovering in midair. "And you do realize that a canary is a small yellow finch, don't you?"

Hmph. Bloody cheek. "Of course I do!" I hissed weakly. Was attempting to look smooth and cool about it by quickly reaching over to take mug in manner of Lockhart before he went all loony. Before could reach mug, however, Mum flies out of her seat, screaming at sight of Kreacher, knocks straight into Sirius, who drops his wand in surprise and contents of mug is dumped on self.

_5:00pm_

Oh God. Is bloody nightmare. Am forced to speak to Mum _and_ Moody _and_ McGonagall and Mrs. Weasley. Mind you, Mrs. Weasley makes a _mean_ parfait, but find self v. intimidated by her presence. Maybe should have been more careful about running into doors, cabinets, etc as had been breaking her plates. Why is Remus not here yet? Surely first on list on Sirius' letters is Remus?

Oh wait. Forgot. They're still not talking, playing their silly game.

Anyway, meeting's about to start. Better go.

_5:50pm_

Regular meeting. Shaklebolt delivers usual speech (bloody cheek), Sirius sat there without speaking much –though, must say, looked more cheerful than last time. Still not speaking to Remus, though. Wonder how long it'll keep up? Mean, it _has_ been 4 weeks. Maybe should stick both in silence-charmed room to, you know, make them bond and all that bit.

Anyway during meeting kept trying to send subliminal messages to Dumbledore. Do not think have ounce of divination powers in self, as had came off twitching left eye madly instead of actually getting messages across –asking him if could look after Harry. Did not really want to say it during meeting as everyone was talking fluently about updates on Death Eater movements, development plans, etc, and know Harry has lots to do with the Phoenix, but is really rather personal since am doing it for Sirius, who shot glances at self constantly throughout the meeting. So, thought, after meeting would go straight to Dumbledore! But, blast it, bloody Dumbledore promptly left after meeting.

Gah! _Hasn't_ he got my owls???

So am sitting here in some odd, spare room, thinking what to do about Harry-Sirius-Remus dilemma. Surely…?

_6:30pm_

Was Remus. Sneaked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, saying laughingly, "Mmm… what's that smell?"

Began to say something in defense when suddenly Remus lets out strange ogling sound and murmurs, "Let's go back to your flat."

"Mmm…" I say as he starts pulling me toward him, and chatter nonchalantly, "How about your place? Never been to your house…"

He grins and say, "Nah, your place would be better suited."

Though a bit disappointed, as had really hoped could see what kind of place he lived, etc, I joke, "What, have you got a secret there you haven't told me about?"

Could see his face pale slightly. "What's wrong?"

He recovered and said, "Nothing. Come on, let's go to your flat."

Suddenly became a bit annoyed. I mean, why can't I go to his house? We've been together for 4 weeks and hardly ever went to his place! Actually, come to think of it, never did. Pull self away and said a bit defiantly, "Why can't we go see your house for once?"

Sighing, he said, "I don't think you'll like it there very much. It's very dull and… not very pleasant. Come on, let's go to your place."

"Why? Why can't we visit your house? We've been going out for 4 weeks! And I haven't seen your house once. _Once_. Do you have some deep, kept-away secret you're hiding from me or something?" I snap a bit harshly than had planned.

Suddenly Remus went all quiet. Was rather frightening as none of us spoke and just stood there, frozen in spot, waiting. Finally could not stand it anymore and asked, "What's wrong?"

He paused a bit before saying, "I don't like shouting."

"Oh." Well, was not much for me to say, was there? Without another word he led me downstairs, out of the gloomy house, and Knight Bus came.

_7:00pm__, Remus's_

Er… is very… v. interesting place. Can understand why Remus wouldn't want er… people to stay here, but am not about to admit this. Anyway everything v. dark and morbid here.

_7:10pm__, study_

Right. Remus told me to stay here while he went to make some food. Said this is the room that's most cheery-looking. Actually, this place not a lot better than Grimmauld's… except smaller, no scary dark-arts statues and no Kreacher or, come to think of it, Mrs. Black.

Sigh. Looks like needs a good clean up.

I know! Will sort this room out in no time!

_7:20pm_

Stark table… gloomy fireplace… cannot believe it- is _dungeon_ in here. Erm… no, no. Is perfectly normal. In fact, remember that the Blacks had dungeon as well!

Though… was used for… oh god.

No, will not peek. Will respect Remus's privacy.

Maybe… will just… see if it needs some cleaning!

_7:23pm__, Dungeon_

Oh my god. Oh my GOD.

Is chains in here. _Chains_. What's that dark stuff?

What is Remus _doing_ while he's here? Surely not some… scary… animalistic ritual?

Oh my god.

_7:50pm_

Am having dinner with Remus. Was trying not to pry... unsuccessfully.

"So, I heard one of the Weasley brothers –oh, who was it now, Charlie? Bill? Well anyway one of them was checking a _dungeon_ in Gringotts and found this old skeleton that has been dead for over five centuries! And then –you can imagine what a shock it was, the skeleton started talking to him!" I trilled, emphasizing on the word "dungeon" quite a bit.

Apparently Remus did not catch it. "No, I cannot imagine –was it enchanted then, the skeleton?"

Hmph. "Oh, I don't know. But, anyway, I think dungeons are absolutely _dreadful_, don't you?"

"Yes," he said, "yes they are." And reached his glass of wine and finished its contents. "So! Ready for bed?"

Oh! Forget dungeons, is Remus inviting me to bed! Grinned and followed him upstairs. Started snogging like mad once over last step of rather creaky stairs.

I said teasingly, "Let me guess which room's yours…" Fumbled with each other's clothes for a while as we trudged along the corridor, "This one!" I announced proudly.

"Very, very good!" He said, "I think you deserve a… shall I say… reward…?" Mmm… cheeky thing, so suggestive. Mmm… Remus v. good at making me squirm. He was growling in ear softly when I pushed door open and screamed.

There it was. A stark naked Severus Snape tucked neatly in Remus's bed, a mocking smile on his lips.

Stared at him, then threw Lupin's hands off my back and flew down the stairs and out of the house.

Fuck, fuck, fuckitty fuck. Spinsterhood here I come.

**A/N:** Oh god. Sorry for the lack of updates. Finals are here. Anyway, sorry this chapter was rather sucky. Could not gather ideas and… became rather long and… draggy. Bah! Apologize.


	6. Just the Way You Are

**A/N:** Har har, yes! I update! Sorry, finals finally over! Well, almost, anyway. Only Latin left! Anyhow, most of you are probably cursing me on making Snape furtively sneaking into Remus's bed, but not to worry! Have explanation. Hehe.. um… read on!

July 21, 1995

_1,935lbs (most convenient, as now if Shaklebolt shows up will tell him am unable to shift my legs due to massive weight gain. Actually, don't have scale and latest news too horrible to bear)_, _hair colour (no longer care), hair style (bald, had morphed into hideous creature after… after… oh sod it, will go have more chocolate frogs), no. of times dumped water on head to convince self is all dream 9, no. of times sat gazing into nothingness: countless, no. of times attempted to make self man: 7 (alarming, but it makes me strangely smug. So am now man after all), butterbeer units 7 (understandable), chocolate frog units 34 (disastrous)_

_9:30am, own flat_

Head have cleared up somewhat as had just taken medicine. Yesterday when got home ran into door in madness/rage/hurt and was knocked out cold. Woke up on floor shivering. At first did not realize what was going on. Why wasn't I snuggled up against Remus? Then remembered night before. Oh god, oh god. No. Nooo. Oh god. Am doomed.

No. Will approach situation like normal adult. Poise, poise!

Doom. Dooooooom.

Why?

Why am I doomed to forever live life as tragic spinster. Would have taken news better if had been beautifully exotic women with breasts size of my stomach, but… but…

Snape?

Oh god, oh god. Cannot cope. Will go eat more chocolate frogs. Maybe will fill tub with butterbeer and drown self in it.

_9:55am, own flat_

Jesus Christ, why me? Butterbeer.

_10:50am_

Hurrr… hurrr… is all joke… hurrhurr… what's this? Why there blurry dropinsg falling out of cieling? Mm… brrrbeer v. goo. Evrything fine… am poise man… oops, woman.

_2:30pm, tub_

Oh god. Must stop doing this to self. Woke up in bloody tub, quill is drenched. Is good thing charmed bloody diary waterproof.

_2:50pm, bed_

God. Cannot believe Remus. What was he thinking?

Was that what the chains were for? Jesus Christ.

How come am doomed to be spinster and have rapist/take-pleasure-in-extreme-pain-during-sex boyfriend? Just when thought he was… _normal_ and caring, this happens.

_2:55pm_

GAAAAAAAAH!

Merlin's beard. Was owl impaling itself into my window.

_3:00pm_

… There goes another one.

_3:10pm_

Hmph. Turns out owl from Lupin. See, realized from self-help book that must confront problem, so, will now refer to Lupin as Snape's Sex. So! Owl from Snape's Sex. Snape's Sex sent a letter through Snape's Sex's owl, which is not actually Snape's Sex's. Read little note that read "_Remus_" (Snape's Sex), promptly set letter from Snape's Sex on fire and chucked Snape's Sex's owl out of window. How dare Snape's Sex- Oh, Jesus Christ. This confronting tactic not working.

Will change to different approach.

I know! Chocolate frogs.

_3:15pm_

Am actually enjoying this in sick, twisted way.

Owls impaling selves against window, that is, not Snape's Sex –Fuck. Forgot. Different tactic.

_3:25pm_

And another one. Refuse to give Sn- Him satisfaction of knowing how am feeling/did feel/continue to feel. Refuse to… have _anything _to do with… Him. Will survive on self, will strive to find innermost poise.

_3:30pm_

Okay. Found nickname for him. Since is fool, shall call Him Dupe, however since in his name is a "—PIN" part, will call Him Dupin.

_3:40pm_

HA! You see, Dupin, am over you. OOOVVEERR YOU! LAUGH AT YOUR OWLS. LAUGH. LAUGH.

Oh bloody hell, will pretend no longer. Feel like crying. How could he?

_4:40pm_  
Fucking hell. Just got another one from Sirius. Jesus. He's in it, too? Refuse to read it. Refuse. So they're on speaking terms, are they?

Bloody cheeks.

_5:40pm, bed_

Bloody owls still coming at window regularly. DO NOT WANT EXCUSES/EXPLANATIONS FROM YOU! AM DONE! HAVE POISE! WILL NOT LET YOUR LETTERS RUIN SELF INNER POISE THAT-

July 22, 1995

_0lbs (sudden loss of weight alarming, actually don't have scale again and amount of shag was… shocking), hair colour Brown, no. of times assured self everything was alright 2 (v.g.)_

Anyway. Realize need some explanation. So will write where last left off:

Was Remus.

Apparated into my flat, said he had no other option. Said he tried to send me owls but each time he sent them they come back more battered looking. Said he knew how must feel right now. Said he was sorry.

Sat there, said nothing in reply.

"Tonks! Are you listening?" Remus said, tone louder than before.

"Yes," I said quietly. Mean, what am I supposed to say? No problem, in fact will join your nasty, sick little fantasies with Snape? My arse!

"Tonks…" he said softly, "Let me explain. Please."

Finally could not contain self any longer. Started screaming like madman. "EXPLAIN? _EXPLAIN, REMUS_? I SEE _CHAINS_ IN YOUR DUNGEON. _DUNGEON_. WE _NEVER_ GO TO YOUR HOUSE. I SEE BLOODY PROFESSOR FUCKING SNAPE ON YOUR _BED_. NAKED. SMILING AT ME LIKE HE JUST HAD THE WILDEST, MOST FANTASTIC SHAG HE HAS HAD IN HIS LIFE!"

However instead of looking regretful and smug as had thought he would, he looked embarrassed.

"Tonks, it was-"

"What? A one night stand?" I hissed.

"No, it was…"

"Love at first sight? Lust at first night? SEX IN LUBRICATED TIGHTS?" Realized went a little crazy with rhyming. Then Remus started laughing, and got _really_ annoyed. Mean, how _dare_ he laugh at me?

"GET OUT OF MY FLAT BEFORE I HEX YOU, YOU BLOODY… SICK…" I let out a grunt and yell of desperation. Suddenly he got serious again.

"Tonks, listen to me!"

"NO!" I cried indignantly

"You don't understand –"

"What's there to understand?" Was on real spin shouting again. Could see Remus flinching. Raised tone louder. "You _sleep_ with another man while dating me! You.. you..." Was really struggling for words then. In frustration let out a simple hex slip out of lips just as Remus spoke again.

"Tonks, it was a boggart."

"-probably had sex with him multiple times and…" paused there. "What did you say?"

He grunted.

Thought was some sort of... strange neanderthal talk. He flailed his arms about and mumbled something again. Stood there looking at here dumbfoldedly.

Oh. Right. The hex.

Ah. "Sorry." I said, out of habit. Was struggling for words again. Boggart? "Why did it show Snape in your bed, then?" I demanded.

Remus looked embarrassed again, "Um. Well, do you know the nature of boggarts, Nymphadora?"

Oh god. Oh jesus. So was own fault all along? Knew had fear of Snape and of boyfriend being with someone else, but… oh god. No wonder Remus looked embarrassed. Felt face going hot and red.

"Yes, yes," I said hastily. Then added, triumphantly, "What about the chains then?"

He paused again, as if attempting to string words together, then finally, said, "I'm a werewolf."

"Oh," was all could manage.

Not that had anything against him now knowing is werewolf, but just fact that… a _werewolf_. Know, actually read, how hard it is to transform and all that. No wonder he always looked so tired.

Was silent for some moment, then Remus said, looking at the floor, "Well, I guess I should go. Now that you know what I am, you probably don't want anything to do with me anymore. I don't blame you." He turned around and began to leave.

"WAIT!" Suddenly heard self saying. What was I doing? Do I really believe bloody boggart tale? Ran up to him and said, "You think I don't want you anymore because you're a werewolf?"

He looked at me, surprised, "I understand completely, Tonks."

"No," I grinned, "No, you don't. I… I like you just the way you are, werewolf or not."

He gaped at me for a few seconds, then took me in arms and kissed me. Was v. passionate, actually. Thought was going to die from oxygen. Then he… hugged me and murmured into my neck, "I love you, Nymphadora."

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. He loved me. He loved me!!!!

Must not fantasize. Anyway thoughts were interrupted.

"So you're really afraid of Snape, then?" He teased as we stumbled our way toward bed.

"Um… er… ahhh…" pretended to say something inaudible into his lips.

"Mmm?" He said idly as opened bedroom door. Thank god is no boggart in my flat.

"Let's not get into that," I comment quickly.

"No, no. I think we should," He said lightheartedly, grinning as he kissed me again.

"Or… mm… you can show me some of your… werewolf tendencies in bed…" I murmured against his soft lips.

**A/N:** HA! Managed to fit… argh, really bad at writing 'romantic' scenes. Erm, realize Mark Darcy, thus Remus, should have been one saying "I like you just the way you are", but Remus looking so dejected (in my mind, anyway) that really had to stick that phrase in. Anyway, what do you think? Review!


	7. Foreboding Doom

**Chapter 7**

Aug 2, 1995

_100lbs (excessive trauma has lifted 30 lbs off normal body weight), hair nonexistent (gone bald due to stress), chocolate frog units 9 (understandable), no. of times wished worked for international ministry of magic: countless, no. of times wished Umbridge will get stuck in the toilet 4 (v.g.), butterbeer units 1 (excellent, considering current situation)_

_9:00am, office_

Oh god, oh god. Am sacked. Am sacked for sure. Was singing to Muggle music when Umbridge waded her way through office. Bloody troll gave me evil eye before saying, "Miss Nymphadora, your lack of musical talents is appalling. And might I add you were late today? Not your first time, I assume."

Stood there with mouth agape fuming. Actually was more petrified than mad at first.

"This is just a warning. I'm afraid next time I will not be as…" bloody troll pauses here, examines the dust on windowsill, and gives me evil eye again, "flexible." Actually was a bit weird here. Thought she was trying to seduce me but in reality she was trying to bore holes in head telepathically. My head, that is. She looked as if was about to say more, but suddenly Shacklebolt bursted in.

"Tonks, where are the files on Karkaroff, do you know? I can't find it anywh- Oh, good morning, Dolores, am I interrupting something?"

Dolores? Didn't know her first name was Dolores. Always thought it was something troll-like… like… Alberta or something.

Anyway. Troll gave him the evil eye but Shacklebolt didn't as much as flinched. She sniffed the air and walked out, then whipped backwards with alarming precision and said, "Miss Nymphadora, I expect this place to be clean and tidy by tomorrow morning. I hope I will not be disappointed, or I will not be too… pleased."

Pleased? Please, that troll's never pleased. Maybe what she really need is a man to smooth the edges and such. Unfortunately there is major drop of available men working in Ministry. Is Fudge married, I wonder?

Anyway. Have started cleaning like madwoman. Shacklebolt lifesaver, though now cheeky as ever as he's had one over me.

Gah, what to do, what to do? Why me?

I know! Will go eat some chocolate frogs to calm the nerves.

_2:00pm_

Hmm… office v. clean now. HA! Take that you troll!

Wonder what Remus is doing? Mmm… maybe taking one of his weird afternoon showers. Mm… must not fantasize. No, no.

Mmm…

_2:30pm_

Usually around this time Remus steps out of shower all drippy and mm…

_2:45pm_

He really has quite nice shoulders.

_3:00pm_

Must stop.

_3:05pm_

AHA! Stopped!

_3:09pm_

Also lovely jaws. V. v. v. lovely.

_3:30pm_

Maybe will owl him.

_Dear Remus,_

_How are you? Am rather bored here. Oh, owl is Teeki, by the way, and she can be easily startled, so be careful. Anyway. Um. I suppose I should have told you this before you receive the owl, but, you know, no other way. Anyway I suppose you'll learn soon. _

_How was the shower? _

_Love,_

_Tonks_

_3:33pm_

Bloody hell. Saw wrinkly hand with gold everywhere, so knew was troll spying on me. Anyway. She's gone now.

_3:45pm_

Hm. Have not written back yet.

_3:55pm_

What's taking him so long?

_4:00pm_

Maybe was mistake to put 'love.' Must have sounded like scary stalker girl from grade school. Or weird senile grandmother with too much powder and perfume. Oh, oh. Doom. Dooom.

_4:20pm_

Is Lupin! Odd, why is Teeki all battered looking? Let's see…

_My Dear Nymphadora,_

_You have no idea how delightfully refreshing it was to have a 40lbs owl attack me just as I stepped out of the shower. Did you train your owls to stun? Or to kill? I've just battled with your snow beast stark naked for at least 10 minutes. I apologize if your owl return slightly battered looking. Self defense, you see. _

_To answer your question, the shower was splendid, although the events that followed were somewhat alarming. _

_All the best,_

_R. Lupin_

_PS – You named that thing Teeki? And thanks for the late warning. _

_PPS – Please refrain from owling me again for the next 30 minutes, as the battle with Teeki left me rather dirty, and I must take another shower. _

Gah! Why did bloody bat mum give Nymphadora as name? Why? Must keep on reminding Remus… Mmmmmmm… battled naked! Dirty, sweaty, slightly peeved Remus battling naked! Oh god. Must stop.

_6:00pm, flat_

Am back. Remus is coming. Must make flat resemble shag city in less than 30 minutes. Would be rather difficult as 1) cannot find vacuum (rather strange Muggle device) 2) have just set curtains on fire (was trying to light candles by matches) 3) Teeki still somewhat disoriented from battle with Lupin (have named it Battle of Showersburg.)

Also cannot find – GAAAAAAAAAH

_8:05pm, flat_

Was Remus all tall and sexy, but looking v. troubled. Poor thing. Lots to worry about. Told me just came from Dumbledore's. Deatheater movements picking up now, and Dumbledore's wanting people on double-shift at both Privet Drive and… ahem. Remus also worry about Sirius. Said he was v. restless, Sirius, that is, although Remus was, too, as was pacing about furiously.

Poor thing.

_9:23pm_

Oh dear. Dumbledore's head popped out of nowhere. Said something was v. v. v. wrong at Privet Drive. Told me and Remus to get to Grimmauld's Place straight away.

**A/N: **GAH! Sorry everyone. Haven't updated in forever, and know this chapter was quite stupid. Anyway. Summer's finally here and will make a goal of finishing this. Darker bits coming up. And thank you everyone. You guys have been so supportive and nice : ) (Even though I nearly abandoned this story, hehe.) ANYHOW. More will come soon. Please review!


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